Healing is not for the faint of heart

The Truth behind Healing the Trauma

                As we travel into the dark place of healing we are often surprised at how truly lonely and scary it can be. We build up an expectation in our minds that it will filled with joyous revelations and memories of good times gone by. Maybe we need to convince ourselves of these lies so that we would want to begin the process of unpacking the trauma.

                I am going to be completely honest and probably more open than I have been in the past, and I have been very raw about my life and the parts that make up me.

                In April of this year, I was driving to work (yes, I have a job that is separate from my healing practice- out of necessity because I have bills to pay and the need for health insurance). It was oh dark thirty aka 4:30 am. There was a slight rain, and the night seemed darker than normal. As I began my trip over the hill, I was met with a stranded Tractor Trailer which had blocked my trek. I turned around, stopped at home and called for some help for the driver. My last words to my husband as I left my house again were “No good deed goes undone.”

                Driving around the lake I began to feel myself getting anxious, I was sweating and decided that rolling my window down would help me. Fresh air was all I needed I told myself. Meanwhile I kept becoming more agitated and told myself if I could get to a space where I could pull over, I would be ok. That was the last conscious thought I had.

                I awoke parked inches from a tree and building. I wasn’t sure where I was or what had happened. My only thought was to get where I could call for help, still very much not in my sane mind, I am sure.

                I drove myself to the parking lot of a local clinic and called my children and husband. The only words I could mutter were Help me.  I knew I was not ok; I had no idea what was happening to me and no sense of time or space. I continued into the disconnected space of the in between. Straddling the land of the living and the one of the departing. With the grace of divine intervention my husband was able to find my car, while not knowing how or where I was.

                While being tested for multiple disorders, I traveled deep into the land of the subconscious mind. I began to converse with those who left loved ones, and those who needed someone to see them. I continued to hear what was happening around me, but I was powerless to let them know what was happening in my mind. My deepest apologies to the nurse who I blurted out that her dead daughter was standing beside her and how sorry I was for her loss.

                As I continued to suffer seizure type episodes my body tired and the defensives, I have spent my life building came crashing down. Memories I had successfully kept at bay burst through the ceiling of my consciousness. I was tossed headlong into an abyss without anyone to guide me back to the shoreline. My family was standing helpless while my demons came back to finish a job they started many decades before. I struggled, fought and clawed my way back to reality.

                After spending time with the hospital psychiatrist, it was discovered that I had been triggered into a PTSD attack by the last name of my new professor and unknowingly had contracted the flu while in the midst of this spiral.

                Why do I feel the need to share this?

                The gifts I received after experiencing this level of pain and fear was this- I met with a wonderful person who specialized in EMDR treatment. With help I was able to be guided into and through hard memories. I had the opportunity to be safe while being scared. I was tethered to an anchor which allowed me to dive deeper and discover more. I was truly healing the trauma that I believed I had already worked on. This was the complete excision of the pain that ran through my generational line as well as my future self.

 I began to embrace the beings who came to my bedside at night who asked for confirmation that someone could see them. I opened myself up to the messages of departed souls. I allowed myself to spend time with my demons and all the fractured parts of myself I had left behind.

 I welcomed me back to myself. I forgave myself for being a child and accepting the responsibilities of an adult. I embraced the angry, hurt child who rejected herself because that was what she knew what she expected. I stopped expecting myself to be perfect, and instead I became tender with my faults.

                You see the journey into the dark was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I had to be pushed into the inky scary water so that I could stand here with you as you take your step towards your best self. I am here because you need an anchor too