Yesterday I walked to the mailbox to mail your birthday card. As I made my way up through the fallen leaves, reminiscing on how you would be 61. The oldest of all six of us. God Raymond , you are old!
I looked down at your name on the plain white envelope and heard as clear as if you were standing beside me.” Becka no postage required on that card. I was the one who helped you pick it out.”
You see my brother died over seven years ago, and he is still telling me what to do.
With each birthday that passes, I pray it will hurt a little less. That I will find the space to heal my hurt.
But it doesn’t heal completely.
Sometimes the pain isn’t as bad, and I can get through the day without crying.
Then there are the days that I ask myself why?
Why did it have to be you? Why did you make the choice you made that day to get on the bike?
I see you reflected in the look of determination as I watch your grandson excel in his life. I see your eyes in the face of your son as he cheers for his child. I hear your words when I get discouraged and am not sure which path to take.
We all talk to you and know that you are near. From the deer you send to me, to the numbers you send another sibling as she begins her own healing journey. You are never far from any of us.
In the physical world maybe, you didn’t know how much you meant to so many. Giving of yourself so that someone else may have an easier life than you. Our hometown still talks about Big Ray. That’s quite a compliment my dear brother. Your mark is carried by many, absence felt collectively, and your presence felt by some.
Thank You for being my oldest brother. For keeping us safe, for watching over us now and for showing us what true love can look like.
So today on this day that belongs to you, Happy Birthday Raymond! “Big ray, RJ, Fotion”
I will in fact place the card away, because no postage was required to send these words.
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