Who is the real Shadow?
Several weeks ago I had a realization, or rather a thunderbolt that caused me to land flat on my ass.
I began writing this blog to help myself heal from the trauma of growing up in an abusive, highly dysfunctional home. The years of abuse, neglect, self-hate, and lack of support had taken its toll on not just my heart but also my sense of self. I found that taking and placing the words on paper gave me space within my soul to breathe a little deeper. I needed to make a connection about how I was feeling and the fact that I couldn’t confront the people who caused me the most anxiety and pain.
Do you know what happened? I realized I didn’t need them here to have that moment. The trauma still lived inside of me, I carried it everywhere I went and the bastard was heavy.
You see the shadow that I needed to talk to was me. I left myself behind a long time ago. I abandoned her to fight the battles alone, to hide in the dark from threats that would destroy her. While I carried along with the air of normalcy.
I became my own enemy. I was the master of disassociation. One minute I was there, then poof the next a mere shell standing quietly.
When we are faced with a situation that challenges everything we know, we have a choice We can fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In my case, I chose to freeze. I lacked the ability to use my voice to protect myself or even the where with all how to do that.
Anyways back to my train of thought. When you are so good at separating yourself from your body you sometimes forget to come back. Which is where I realized I was a few weeks ago. I began to “check out” and run on autopilot. My writing stopped, my dreams increased and my sense of self-worth hit the skids.
It was at this moment I knew how to fix it. I stopped everything I was doing, which included business momentum and daily Reiki practice.
I sat down for hours at a time, and let emotions flow. I cried tears for what I thought my life should have been, and screamed for the times I swallowed anger and fear. I punched pillows as if fighting back against every horror I endured. I faced my younger self and begged for forgiveness for all the wrongs she had faced.
When I was able to dig myself out, I came battered and bruised by my own hands and words. I was not the person who started this blog.
You see when we sit back and look at who we were and who we are, we are all part of the same entity. It's just that sometimes we reject parts of ourselves.
Sometimes it's because we think we are weak, or fake, we “attempt” to be who we aren’t. A fake it until we make it type mentally.
I am here to tell you that doesn’t work. Until you are willing to sit and hear all the bullshit stories you tell yourself to get through the day, until you can call yourself out on walking away from your shadow because it was too hard to look at, you wouldn't heal. You own your journey, your memories, and your pain.
You can either welcome it to become part of you or you can continue to reject it. Either way, the choice is yours and yours alone.
But as far as me and my shadow, we are going to continue to walk together. That poor child has spent long enough on her own, and she needs me as much as I need her.
After some soul searching I realized the shadow this blog was started for was less about my father and much more about me. How do you talk to a shadow when you are the shadow? Follow me as we all find out.
With great love and so much light
Becka and Becki